Aileen Santikarma: Identity and Discovery

Sophomore Aileen Santikarma goes back to visit Bali, Indonesia, every year. However, because of Covid-19, she’s been unable to. 

“A lot of people in my family have died during this time,” Santikarma said. “And probably funerals are the biggest tradition that we have. So that’s been a lot different because we can’t really partake in those.”

Covid-19 prompted the dilute of tourism in Bali, the source of where many Indonesians earn their income. 

“A lot of people in my community don’t have the money anymore to do what they usually would,” Santikarma said.

Normally, Santikarma would return to Indonesia with her father and reconnect with her family, nation, and culture.

“Dressing up in our traditional clothing and going to temples and making offerings, it’s probably my favorite thing,” Santikarma said.” “It’s just so different from here and super cool.”

Going back to Indonesia reminds Santikarama of the core values of life. She said it makes her feel like her life has meaning.

“I think that’s something really different with American culture—you find your purpose in jobs and school, but in my culture, you find your purpose with the universe.”

Santikarma expresses that Bali is like an outlet for her spiritual self. 

“I kind of feel like when I’m there, I feel a little bit more touch with myself and my life path,” Santikarma said. “You kind of always have a spiritual part of yourself, and your ancestors are supposed to be guiding you all the time. So, you kind of feel like you have a little bit more meaning than just like being here and getting a job, getting married and dying.”

Being Hindu has also offered Santikarama guidance in processing some of the deeper nuances in life.

“The whole concept of karma is a big thing in my life, and my culture and my religion,” Santikarma said.

Santikarma’s last name actually means “peaceful karma.”

“If someone did something bad to you, it’s ok because they will end up getting their karma,” Santikarma said. “Also, in my religion, you have your ancestors with you all the time, and your dead relatives are always there in spirit with you and guiding you. So that’s another thing, just believing that you’re always being guided by something.”

When it’s hard to keep in touch with family, Santikarma tries to stay connected through her religion.

“I try to keep in touch with my religion because when I can’t keep in touch with my family or my family’s being annoying,” she said. “Because that’s always going to be there as your beliefs.”

Santikarma is now confident in her Asian heritage. However, when she was younger, she often tried to hide behind the other half of her biracial background.

“I would kind of just hide behind my white mom and my white part of myself. I kind of just pretended that I wasn’t Asian and tried to mask that part of me,” Santikarma said. “ It kind of sucked because then I would go back to Indonesia and go back to be with my dad and my family and I would be like, ‘Who am I?’” 

Embracing is something Santikarma believes the nation of America struggles with. 

 “There are a lot of identity struggles, like the push and pull of ‘I want to associate with my culture and love my culture, but then also people don’t really accept it here,’” Santikarma said.

What Santikarma dislikes most in Western culture media is the oversexulization of Asian women.

 “The fetishization and over sexualization of women like me has always been a huge theme in my life, and it wasn’t until really recently that I realized it,” she said. ”People kind of target me in those kind of situations, like calling me names, starting rumors about me. I never realized that might be tied to cultural misconceptions.”

Santikarma fears she might be subconsciously aligning herself with a stereotype when choosing what path she wants to follow in the future. 

“Some of the things that I’m expected to do, I guess, I’ve always found myself not wanting to do them,” she said. “Even if I love science and math, I just find myself  not wanting to get into that because I’m like, ‘oh, isn’t that what all Asians go into?’”

  Being Asian American has greatly influenced Santikarma. She believes it has made her mindful of those around her, and it has furthered her advocacy for certain social groups. 

“It definitely shaped me into someone who tries to be very aware of things,” Santikarma said. “I think I’m pretty social justice oriented and  humanitarian oriented because I’ve just grew up seeing how bad things can be. It means being grateful for the opportunities that I have, the opportunities my parents gave me, and also being grateful for my life back home.”